I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
