the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just had sex on a roof
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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