does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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