@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
