Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You're like the curious george of whores
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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