Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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