theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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