Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
