Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I enjoy the company of your penis
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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