Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
