The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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