I think my fart just growled at me.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
