We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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