I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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