Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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