Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
