Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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