Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
