yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
