I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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