How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
