i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
