If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
