I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
