You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
