3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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