I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
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Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
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my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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