Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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