I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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