Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
