Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Someone shattered a urinal.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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