He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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