i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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