Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
