So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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