btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
this beer tastes like vomit already
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
