so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
