upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish life had little blips of pornography
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
