he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
