if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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