my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
