just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We are all done wearing pants today
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
