U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
