My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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