...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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