so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
