why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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