I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
