i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
