the condom got lost in my hair
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
