You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
