my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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