Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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