No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
