i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
