I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
