Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
