need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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